New Balance

No, not the running shoes.  Although admittedly, I have not run in far too long.  I guess that goes hand in hand with what this post is about.

I've discovered the most challenging part of being a wife and mother is finding balance.  Most days it's a struggle to keep just one of the areas of my life in balance.  It's a constant readjusting.  I started to feel like I was failing more than I was succeeding.

Keep a clean house, but spend time with your children.

Make healthy meals, but make them taste good.

Don't dress like you just got out of bed, but don't dress to make other men stumble.

Spend time teaching your children, but let them be kids too.

Budget wisely, but splurge on the important stuff.

Protect your kids, but let them make mistakes.

Exercise, but take time to rest.

Be stern, but be gentle.

Love others, but don't let them take advantage of you.

Have great friends, but spend time alone too.

Be helpful, but don't get overextended.

Be confident in who you are, but be willing to change.

Accept that the Lord is God and He died for you, but....hmmm.  I'm glad there's no "but" to salvation.  That's all that really matters.  Life's pressures are mostly imposed by ourselves or others, not God.  Does he want me to be a good wife and a good mother? Of course He does.  He desires the best for me and my family.  Does he care that I haven't cleaned behind the fridge in two years? Probably not.

Now that Brian's mom has passed, I am replaying our conversations, and cherishing them even more.  When they came to visit this past January I told her that I didn't have a chance to clean as much as I wanted.  She just smiled and said, "Look...you can have a clean house or you can spend time with your kids.  You can't have both.  Each day is a choice.  Some days you will choose to clean.  Some days you will sit on the floor and play with Barbies.  As a grandmother, I am glad that your house isn't spotless because it means you're spending time with my granddaughters."  She went on to tell me that there will come a time when your house stays too clean and you miss the mess.  Then she said the kids move back in, along with the grandkids and you miss the clean.  "It all evens out eventually."

Today, I'm striving for a new balance; one that doesn't leave me feeling guilty at the end; a balance that reminds me not to take things too seriously because, "It all evens out eventually."

Victory is not easy

This week has been a roller coaster for our family.

There are major changes going on at the girls' school and we're right in the middle of it all.  Brian has major things going on at work and he's at the center of it too.  That should be enough, but those are the minor parts of our week.

Monday morning, Brian's mom passed away.  She was diagnosed in January with uterine and lung cancer and by October, it had spread to her brain, spine, and lymph nodes.  She fought it every way she could, and dealt with the awful side effects of treatments.  On Monday she was healed completely.  It may not have been the way that some were hoping and praying, but it's healing nonetheless.  I've often heard the term that a person has "lost the battle with cancer".  I've decided I don't like it.  She didn't lose.  Ultimately, she won.  Cancer did not take her life.  It took her home. She gets to be with her Jesus.  When Brian was there a couple weeks ago, his mom said she was ready to go to heaven and be whole again and be with her sisters (and others that have gone before her).  But victory is not always easy.

Victory is not always characterized by jumping, shouting, and rejoicing.  Victory often has a downside.  I'm definitely not a glass-half-empty kind of girl (that's the pessimistic one, right?).  But I'm not a sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns kind of girl either.  I know the reality of life is that for every winner, there is usually a loser.  In a court case, there's always one side rejoicing, while the other mourns.  The Lord's gain in heaven is truly our loss on earth.

I've learned that victory always means change too.  Even when we were ecstatic about the girls' new school, it meant saying goodbye to old friends and learning to adapt to a new school's philosophy of learning.  Likewise, we have been praying for my dad to find a wonderful job after his department was laid off almost 3 years ago.  This week God answered our prayers.  He has a wonderful new job! We rejoice in the victory, but the job is over 4 hours away, so it means that they will be moving.  Major change from the 5 minutes it takes us to get to their house now.  Victory is not always easy.

What we cling to in weeks like this is that victory is ultimately the Lord's.  We are promised that throughout the Bible.  In Jeremiah 29:11, it says "For I know the plans I have for YOU,' says the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a future and a hope." The Lord's plan is for us to be victorious.  In Revelation 17:14 it says, "These will make war with the Lamb, but He will triumph over them.  All those that accompany him shall share in the victory."

This week we cling to His promises, rejoice in victory, but we grieve for our loss.

Pretty much...

This is how I feel today:

Mom

I posted some pictures from Easter on facebook and a friend from Virginia commented on one.  She said, "I remember when all you wanted was to be a mama.  Now look at you."

The comment nearly brought me to tears.  It's true.  It's all I've ever wanted.  I remember asking my mom for years and years if she would give me a baby brother or sister.  I told her that I would take care of the baby and she wouldn't need to do anything.  (sounds more like I was asking for a puppy huh?) :) I didn't understand that it wasn't "possible" for my mom to have any more babies.  I just knew that I wanted a baby of my own so badly.

I started babysitting at the ripe old age of 9.  Yes, 9.  By 14 I was a full fledged nanny during the summer months.  At 16 I had a little girl I watched so much that she called me "mama." As much as I enjoyed it, I had to teach her to call me something else.  I was the first face she saw in the morning, and the last she saw at night. I witnessed her first steps, and heard her first words.  I loved her like my own but it broke my heart.  I knew her mom was missing out.  It was through that experience that I decided I would do whatever I had to in order to stay home with my kids.  I was blessed to marry someone with the same ideals.

It was only two years after we were married when we had Reagan.  I remember holding her for the first time.  Besides the flood of emotion that comes with any normal delivery, I was also overwhelmed with the realization that I was finally a mom.  I didn't have to give her back.  Even as we were leaving the hospital two days later Brian suggested we stop at Babies R Us to get some preemie stuff and I said "Is it ok to do that?" He responded, "She's ours.  We can do whatever we want." :)

Now, almost 8 years later, I know I'm doing exactly what God wants me to do.  It doesn't make each day easy or filled with rainbows, unicorns or cupcakes with sprinkles.  But even on the days where I feel like locking myself in the closet for some peace and quiet, I cling to the knowledge that our sacrifices are not in vain.  There are plenty of things I'm not, but I know that being a mom was a desire placed by God and fulfilled by Him alone.  And "He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it."

I also know that God placed an incredible example in my life as my own mom.  She amazes me with her quiet strength, her love, selflessness, and sense of humor.  She is a blessing to me and my girls are incredibly lucky to have her as their "yaya." 

(yes, I know we match....and we didn't even plan it)

Thank you mom for being a Christ-like, shining example in my life and in the lives of my girls.  

Happy Mother's Day!

The land of the living

I've been MIA.  But with good reason.  That "little" virus that passed through all of us about two weeks ago decided to settle itself right into my inner ear.

After four days of watching the room spin and feeling sick to my stomach all day I realized this wasn't just a regular old flu bug.  I ended up in urgent care and was diagnosed with Labyrinthitis.  I was sent home with 7 meds (5 prescriptions and 2 otc drugs).
Antibiotic
Anti-nausea med
Motion sickness med
ear drops for the pain
anti-inflammatory
Plus
a decongestant
and Tylenol

Needless to say, I felt drugged for a few days.
The anti-nausea drug caused me to have a negative reaction and my joints felt like they were on fire.  It took almost two days for my hands to stop hurting even after discontinuing the meds.

The anti-inflammatory upset my stomach (which is great when you're already nauseated and your anti-nausea drug isn't working), so we've switched that one too.

I'm not convinced that the motion sickness med was doing anything to make me feel less dizzy (just really sleepy) so I stopped taking it today.

Today is the first day that I'm sitting up for extended periods of time.  It feels like a baby step but I'll take it.  I'm slowly joining the land of the living.

My friend Jaimie joked that she and I would have been able to get away with only prescribing two meds (since we're such fantastic internet doctors).  I'm beginning to think she was right.  I'm taking the "less is more" approach and it seems to be working better.

I'm so grateful my mom has been able to be here to take care of the girls.  Moms are great that way aren't they? :)

And because I like pictures and I haven't shared this one yet...(I don't think), I thought I'd leave you with happy smiles.

Word to my mother

I get to blog about being a mom all the time so for mother's day, I thought I would tell you a little about the woman that taught me everything I know and loves my girls as much as I do.  She's my mom.
And she's amazing.

She has always been one of my best friends.  I never went through a phase where I thought she was uncool or I didn't want her around.  On the contrary, I had friends that wanted to come to my house because they loved my mom too.

She's the most selfless person I know (almost to a fault). She has always put everyone else's needs ahead of her own.  She has a wonderful, giving, and loving heart.

She gave birth to me...without an epidural! Of course she had to leave the room when my epidural didn't work with Skylar, but that's a whole other post.  She did manage to be in the room when Bailey was born. (and arrived by plane less than 12 hours after Reagan was born).

She actually picked out Bailey's name.

She works hard at whatever she does and does it right the first time.  She's a peacemaker and doesn't raise her voice (Clearly, I still have much to learn from her).

She's crazy funny! When she and her sister get together, my sides literally hurt from laughing so much.

(She's going to hate this picture!)

She loves to give hugs.

She takes my kids to Disneyland!

She loves her family and God with all her heart.

She's the only woman I know that can come through a nervous breakdown, a brain aneurysm, a stroke, and a TIA (all within a couple years), and come out on the other side with even more beauty, more patience, more grace, and more faith.

I can talk to her multiple times a day and we still do not run out of things to talk about (something our husbands will never understand).

She genuinely loves her grandkids! (and being a grandma).

She has always been my biggest fan!
I'm blessed because she's mine.

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I love you to the moon and back!

a little perspective

Let's face it.  Not every day as a mom is sunshine and roses.

My kids make messes.  Lots of them.  They also change their clothes frequently, cover their bathroom with toothpaste, forget to flush, forget to share, ask for snacks all too often....(I'm sure you get the idea).  There are days where it can feel overwhelming and I feel underappreciated.  Not that we do anything for our families out of a desire for appreciation, but sometimes it's nice to hear that our hard work is recognized.

The last few days I was ready to hand out hats to anyone willing to join me at my pity party.  Bailey has discovered how to scream.  Loudly.  Whenever someone (Skylar) tries to take a toy from her hands.  She's also figured out how to whimper like a puppy when she is told 'no.'  It's lovely.  Really.  Skylar has decided that picking up toys is "too hard" so she cries every time she is asked to clean up the playroom (and has almost completely given up naps).  Reagan keeps "forgetting" things.  Like brushing her teeth and putting her shoes away (among other things).

Even though there are times when I feel like crawling under my bed, it's in those moments when God sends a little perspective my way.

A friend of mine posted on facebook this week: "Complaining is literally fuel for the devil's fire."

Then, another friend gave a sermon about complaining and tweeted about "choosing to find the joy in your day."  (This is the same friend that also reminded me of a great quote regarding raising children: "The days are long but the years pass so quickly.")

I got to be part of another friend's journey toward helping a cause close to my heart (literally and figuratively). :D

A relative of mine has been dealing with a chemical addiction and this week she started to break free from it.

The world is bigger than the walls in my house.  And I'm blessed.  So even though today was not all sunshine and roses, and the girls went through nine outfits combined (5 of those were Skylar), I didn't get all the laundry done that I wanted to, nor have I showered, and it basically took a hazmat team to get the girls' bathroom clean, I choose joy.  I choose to focus on the fact that my girls are incredibly healthy and creative (see the "water" slide below).  I choose to find joy in the fact that my almost 7 year old picked out her own bathing suit while shopping today and picked one with Minnie Mouse on it (she's still a little girl, yay!).  I suppose I can also find joy in the fact that she somehow convinced me to buy a second bathing suit for when the "first one is drying or dirty."  Gotta love those bargaining skills.  I found joy in my girls playing together so nicely (until Reagan dumped the watering can full of water on her sister "on accident").  I find joy in their silliness of just being little girls. I found joy in the little things (like my husband bringing me an afternoon cup of coffee).

Today, I chose to thank God for the sunshine.  And the roses.

Probably my new favorite picture of Skylar.  I see this expression multiple times a day!

Roses from our yard

I hope today you found joy.  If not, stay tuned because I'm going to have a giveaway soon and who doesn't love THAT?!

Happy New Year!

For many, 2009 was a year they are ready to forget (especially if their facebook statuses are any indication).  I'm indifferent.

We had our fair share of trials, but we were blessed beyond our measure.  A lot of folks are still reeling from the drop in the housing market.  But that drop is what allowed us to become homeowners again.  There are more and more folks looking for jobs, and fewer jobs to be had.  So we are grateful for Brian's job and the security it brings (especially since we are a single income family!).  Our girls helped us make amazing memories last year.  That doesn't mean I want to do the last year over again by any means.  I've had my fill of medical drama, moving, and political disgust.  I am just praying that 2010 is a bit more boring.  :)  Of course 2009 went out with a bang.  We had a wonderful Christmas with the girls and my family.  Brian gave me an amazing new camera and I'm thrilled!! I can't wait to take more pictures!!

Reagan opening the ONE thing she REALLY wanted (My Little Pony Gumball House)

Bailey trying on my new boots (she got a pair of her own but mine were far more exciting!)

The obligatory "kids in front of the tree" shot.  Bailey did have red jammies but I don't remember why she wasn't wearing them.

Three days after Christmas, my mom and I were talking on the phone and her words started to slur.  She said "I think I'm having a stroke" and then something about calling her later.  My dad rushed her to the ER and thankfully the stroke was mild.  She spent a few days in the hospital so my dad and I juggled time between my grandmother (who requires constant care) and time with my mom.  My amazing husband stayed home with our three blessings.  She is home now and recovering.  We thank the Lord that she made such huge progress in the short time she was in the hospital and that she was home before the new year.  She still has some progress to make but I am confident that she will make a complete and total recovery.  I think we're all ready to start this new year with a clean slate.

I'm not usually one to have a new year's resolution, but this year I am giving it a whirl.  Here goes:
1) We will continue to eat healthy and add more organic, healthy foods to our diet.
2) I want to be more organized.  I plan to go through every room in our house over the course of the year and purge items we do not need and organize the ones we do.
2) I want to have a huge yard sale to sell our purged items.
3) I want to exercise more frequently.
4) I want to enjoy the "now" more.  I get caught up in the "five years from now" and forget to enjoy today while my girls are small (and still think we're cool).
5) I want to read through the Bible in its entirety.

If nothing else, 2009 has taught me that this life is precious and fleeting.  We have to take advantage of each day we are given.  Hug more.  Smile more.  Use gentle words.  Most importantly, share my story of the grace I am given every day by Christ alone.  If it were not for that, this precious fleeting life would mean nothing.  

I pray that each of you begin this new year filled with hope! I'm looking forward to what's in store for our family this year!!

Full speed ahead

Move out (mostly). check
Internet access (legally). check.
Phone service. check.
Assemble beds. check.
Unpacking....well, let's just say that's going to take a while. My "list" is a bit long before I can actually unload everything. We have to repaint the kitchen cabinets before we can unpack the kitchen. And we have to buy two dressers for Reagan and Bailey before we can unpack their clothes. And I won't put slipcovers on the couch until we have a kitchen table (because the girls are eating on the sofa all the time). We don't have a fridge. Or a washer and dryer. It's kind of a chain reaction of things that have to get done before we can actually get to the moving IN part. But we're in our house. Sleeping here. Living here. Amongst the chaos. I have to remind myself that it's just temporary. Someday it will all come together. For now we are adjusting to life in our own house. And fighting colds. But the kids are such troopers. They are enjoying the new house and learning to roll with the punches.

Mom is home from the hospital and I'm glad that we are not there to add to the noise and chaos. Now she can just focus on recovering. We are so grateful that she is doing so well! Thank you for your prayers!!

I'm off to unpack something. Or clean something. Or eat something. :)

More Progress

When I was little I used to wake up on Saturdays to the smell of lemon Pledge. My mom loved to clean on Saturdays. She would blast her music (KC and the sunshine band, Lionel Ritchie, etc.) and dust everything within her reach. To this day, the smell of lemon Pledge takes me back. It smells like home. It makes me smile. Those were good days. Sleeping in. Not having to help with chores. :) Good music. Healthy family.

Today I walked the halls of the hospital to the ICU where my mom is, and I got sick to my stomach. Am I hungry? Am I tired? (probably!) Am I pregnant? (Lord, NO!) Then I realized what it was. There's a certain hospital smell. I can't quite describe it other than to say it's a mix of ick. Bad coffee, antibacterial gel, and unshowered folks. :) Whatever it was, I had a physical reaction. It wasn't home. My wave of nausea subsided and I was able to go in and visit with my mom for about an hour and a half. I'm so blessed to have folks willing to watch the girls so I can spend some time with her!! My mom is doing better. For the most part. She is making progress. She is talking a bunch, and she is very coherent. She misses the girls...and her dog. :D She's still in pain. She's heavily medicated and is still very bruised from the surgery. She's still in ICU because she has developed borderline pneumonia. The nurses assure us that it's normal after such an invasive surgery, but it sucks nonetheless. It delays her moving to another room (with a bathroom and a phone) where the girls can go see her. But as I was leaving today her nurse was getting her up to walk her around and told her that she would be on solid food tonight! Praise God! She asked me to bring her a few things from home the next time I go see her: glasses, cell phone, her book she was reading....and chocolate. I think she is going to be just fine.

___________________________________


Today was Reagan's graduation from kindergarten. I took two pictures and the camera died. It's just as well because I was wrangling the younger girls and it started to sprinkle a bit. Thank the Lord for other parents that have offered to email me their pictures. I finished the video and it was a huge hit. Check. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I don't know who is more excited, Reagan or me! Two whole months of not having to wake her up, pack a lunch, and walk her to her class. yay!

We are still moving this Saturday. Despite not having all the carpet and tile done, or the painting, or the cleaning, or the touch ups, or a hot water heater, or the kitchen cabinets, we are moving this Saturday. Lord help us. I mean that. Lord, please help us. I'm almost to my breaking point. I know the Lord does not give us more than we can handle, but he's really pushing it on this one.

I will update as I can, but in the meantime, here are a few photos from Reagan's birthday two weeks ago.

Progress

I am without internet. All the facebooking and tweeting I have been doing, have been from my phone. OH, and email too. I am currently pirating internet from a neighbor (who is unaware). I know...not especially legal, but hey...he's the one that didn't put a password on his wireless modem. :D

I have been flooded with emails and comments and texts about my mom, so I thought I would do a little post and update everyone on this crazy train also known as life around here lately.
Last weekend my mom was watching the girls for us so we could get some work done on the new house. When we got home on Sunday night my mom said she was hit suddenly with a migraine. She took her migraine meds and went to bed. Monday it was worse so she went to Urgent Care (since her doc couldn't fit her in). They gave her a shot and sent her home. Wednesday she was still in pain so she went to the ER. They did a CT scan but didn't find anything so they gave her another shot and sent her home. Friday she woke up and had debilitating pain down her back and her hands were beginning to go numb (in addition to the loss of vision). She thought she might be having a stroke so my dad took her back to the ER. After a CT Scan WITH contrast, an MRA scan, AND a lumbar puncture, they determined that she had a right corotid cerebral aneurysm. It had not ruptured so they sedated her Friday night, through Saturday, and did "open" brain surgery yesterday at 8am. The surgery went well, with no complications, but it's still brain surgery. I would like to say that I was perfectly calm and handled it all with ease, but I can't. Let's just say I had my moments. I am praising God for the doctors. But also praising the Physician. You know...the big one in Heaven.
Mom is still in ICU and a bit hazy, but they are letting her "come to" slowly so that her brain does not swell. We are hoping to have her moved out of ICU by Wednesday. She has a metal plate in her skull, a chunk of hair missing, and a bandage wrapped around her head. She never looked better.
If you have been praying, thank you. If you haven't, please join us as we continue to pray for her recovery. She won't be able to drive for 3 months, which will be a challenge since we are moving 45 minutes away.

Our move is still on for Saturday. Today was Reagan's last field trip. Wednesday is her promotion (I'm working on her class video now), and Thursday is the last day. Friday is her hearing re-check, and Saturday...I mentioned we're moving right? Yes, I meant THIS Saturday. I'm hoping that everything in the house takes a Mary Poppins-esque mentality and just "jumps" into boxes when I snap my fingers. I know it would be a miracle, but hey, we've had a few of those around here already so I'm not ruling it out. The hardwood floors are going in tomorrows (Brian is finishing painting the kitchen cabinets tonight), Reagan's mural is done and Skylar's is almost done. We're in the home stretch. I've had to let go of "perfect" and be ok with "good enough" when it comes to the home improvements. But that's a whole post in and of itself.

We had Baileys 15 month appt today too. She is officially 20 pounds! woo hoo! Skylar has become an eating MACHINE since her tonsillectomy and has gained THREE pounds in the last month! She is now 30 pounds. Oddly, Reagan is 40 pounds. 20, 30, 40, I just find it humorous.

That's all for now. My next update will be a photo of me...a puddle of mush on the floor.